Reflections

I decided today that I wanted to do a post reflecting back on my last year. I've never done it before, but sitting in Testimony meeting today I had a chance to think about my experiences over the last year.

I thought about how last year at this time I was sick and miserable, and I hadn't even reached the height of just how ill I would become. I thought about the months of suffering. The months of praying for peace, and begging for help to get through the next moment. Many days I could only focus on getting through the next few minutes, a day was way too much to undertake. I thought about how isolated I felt, and how devastating being THAT sick was. How I never EVER want to be that sick ever again in my entire life!

Then I thought about my surgery. I thought about how anxious I was, and how I couldn't eat or sleep, and how worried I was that something bad would happen and I would leave behind my children and husband. I thought about how I worried about the recovery, and how long I would be down.

But then I thought about the most important things. I thought about how my prayers had been answered. How after being infertile for over a decade, my Heavenly Father answered our prayers. How mindful he was of me, and what I had been through. I had begged to be healed of my infertility for so long. I had not only endured the emotional rollercoaster that infertility forges into the path of each who encounters it, but I had weathered the cruel words of others. But after all this, Heavenly Father blessed me. I cannot deny His hand in all things. My pregnancy may not have been the picture of joy that I would imagine. And to be truthful, I don't think I will ever be able to look back and be glad for the experiences that I had. But I CAN say that my faith grew. That my Father in Heaven sent His love down to me constantly. And having gone through what I did, I can have a great compassion on those who suffer, or are very ill. I could not have learned those things to the extent that I have without the suffering this last year.

Also, the compassion shown me by my ward was more than I could have imagined. Many wonderful meals were brought in. So many watched Zack so that I could get a little rest in the afternoon. People gave me rides. People prayed. I could not ask for more than that. A friend who is a PA gave me IVs several times before my home health care got set up. My sister Tammy came with her small baby and young daughter to take care of me. My grandmother came and stayed for 2 weeks to get my home back in order and help me. I had many friends who would encourage me to hang in there, and that it would be over with and I'd have a sweet baby in the end. I never saw myself as someone who would need so much help. I am MORE than happy to help others when they are in need, but I can't say I've ever been one to take help easily. I was forced to give in and let people do for me what I could not do for myself or my family. I am so grateful to each person!

And then on to the joy of a perfectly beautiful baby boy. I was so worried that there would be problems, especially after the hyperemesis gravidarum, and the hospital visits, and the nausea pump. Then there were the other meds I had to be on to be able to sleep, and to not have anxiety so badly that I shook daily. At the end of that thorny path lay a most precious gift. A gift I am so grateful for. Healthy, happy, and wonderful. A complete miracle in every sense of the word. A joy in the lives of my husband and I, and our other sons.

When I was so worried about my surgery I had many blessings that told me things would be fine, that I would recover quickly, and that my Heavenly Father would be guiding the surgeon's hands, and the hands of all those who would care for me during and after surgery. Although I was still anxious, again I learned that I don't have to be in control of everything in my life. That if my Father in Heaven was guiding my doctor's hands, then He was essentially operating on me. And if I can't trust Heavenly Father to operate on me, then who could I trust? He who created every last thing in existance. He who designed man and woman. He who knows me inside and out. And while I was praying for peace on the matter of surgery, I was reminded how I had struggled with not being able to breathe out of my nose ever, and how it affected my allergies, and even my asthma. How this was a way provided to give me healing. How could I turn away from a chance at being healed? How many times had I asked for certain things to be healed in my life, and wished that the Savior was here so he could make things right? And here it was in front of me. And I was scared. I had to diverge from the mental path that I was on.

So essentially 2010 was a year with significant discomfort, but in the end the lessons learned, and the blessings attained will always be greater. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm a person that will ever say that I am grateful for trials. Anyone who truly knows me knows I cannot tell a lie. But I can honestly say that I'm grateful that at the end of the turbulent roads this year there were always gifts I could not imagine having. Blessings came that I never saw coming. And my testimony grew even deeper than it had been previously. I am blessed. I am grateful. Through all this I know that my Heavenly Father is in control, and that He loves not only me, but each and every one of us, and only wants the best for us. I am so blessed in His love.

I wish you all a blessed and happy 2011!